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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25270336">Unclean</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleLynn/pseuds/LittleLynn'>LittleLynn</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Under My Skin [5]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Batman (Movies - Nolan), Birds of Prey (And the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn) (2020)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Explicit Sexual Content, Gentle Sex, Hurt Roman, Hurt/Comfort, Kidnapping, M/M, Needy roman, Psychological Trauma, Recovery, Threats of non-con, Torture, Trauma, and not between the pairing, but no actual sexual violence, nonconsensual drugging, soft dom Ra's</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 07:55:49</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,958</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25270336</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleLynn/pseuds/LittleLynn</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“He’s not coming for you, you know,” someone taunted him through the smoke, the room was always so filled with smoke, making Roman’s breath ragged and thin, distorting his vision in strange ways. </p><p>He didn’t ask who, he didn’t know how many days he’d been here, no windows or regular meals to give him a clue; but with every time they taunted him like this, it seemed more real. Perhaps Ra’s wasn’t coming for him, had he finally become more hassle than he was worth? Ra’s had said he loved him, but then why hadn't he come? </p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ra's al Ghul/Roman Sionis</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Under My Skin [5]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1816996</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>103</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Unclean</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I hope you enjoy as usual &lt;3 personally I dont think the violence is that graphic, but I figured better to tag and be safe.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“He’s not coming for you, you know,” someone taunted him through the smoke, the room was always so filled with smoke, making Roman’s breath ragged and thin, distorting his vision in strange ways. </p><p>He didn’t ask who, he didn’t know how many days he’d been here, no windows or regular meals to give him a clue; but with every time they taunted him like this, it seemed more real. Perhaps Ra’s wasn’t coming for him, had he finally become more hassle than he was worth? Ra’s had said he loved him, but then why hadn't he come? </p><p>Someone laughed at him, a bucket of icy water was thrown over his head making him struggle against the bindings that had already chafed his wrists raw. Hands grabbed him and a needle was pressed into his arm, he asked what was in it, they laughed at him, within seconds terror was clawing at him and he thrashed wildly, until someone struck him hard across the face. </p><p>“Adjust the dose for next time,” someone muttered, he was too scared for what they wanted from him as horrible viasages oozed from the walls and congealed in the smoke, lunging for him, even though there was nothing there.</p><p>They let the drugs wear off, though Roman almost wished they hadn’t. While he was on them, he was terrified out of his mind, but at least it addled his memory, made everything that he had seen hard to remember, jumbled and hazy. He remembered everything when they had him sober. </p><p>“You still think he’s coming for you?” A man asked, dressed in black, always looked like that, made it impossible for Roman to know how many of them they were. “Yeah that cut over your pretty face taught you to shut up didn’t it.” he taunted, Roman failed to suppress his flinch, at the reminder of the ugly, jagged cut running from his forehead, over the bridge of his nose, dragged over his cheek. He tried not to think about how often Ra’s called him pretty, his pretty pet, his pretty boy, anxiety over how he must look right now; dirty, scarred, his fine clothes reduced to rags. Perhaps it was better if Ra’s didn’t come for him, even though he wanted him desperately, would feel instantly safer if he were here.</p><p>“Have you worked out who we are yet?” He asked, slapping Roman across the face when he didn’t answer, but it made the barely healing scar on his cheek flare up with pain; he had learned not to open his mouth within the first few days, scars over his chest when he had given them defiance, across his face when they’d grown bored of him mouthing off. “Dumb slut, we’re the league. <em> Ra’s’ </em>league, we work for him.” Roman’s head snapped up, he had suspected, somewhere in a dark part of his mind, that they could be; something faintly familiar in the way they moved, what they wore, from the things Ra’s had told him.</p><p>The man laughed at him, Roman’s mind roiling. Perhaps they had rebelled against Ra’s’ order? But it was impossible to imagine, the idea of Ra’s losing control was unbelievable to him; but the idea that it was Ra’s that had had him brought here was equally unpalatable. Ra’s had told him he loved him, Roman forced himself to believe it. These people were liars, they had to be, and Ra’s would come for him, he would save him. </p><p>They stabbed him with drugs, made him oscillate between Scarecrow’s terror, and vivid hallucinations of things that he thought he knew, as if he were in a horrifying dream that he couldn’t wake up from. He lost count of the number of tries it took before they got it right. </p><p>The door was kicked open, making Roman jump with the suddenness of it, he had been stabbed with the drugs and then left here alone - sometimes, the long stretches of time that he was left entirely alone were the worst. And to his shock, Ra’s strolled into the room, looking exactly as Roman remembered him, Roman failed at first, to register the fact that he did not look like he had had to fight his way to reach him. </p><p>“Ra’s! Ra’s oh god fuck, fuck please I help me, get me out, I can’t stay here a moment longer,” Roman strugged anew, ripping new lacerations in his wrists. Ra’s stopped a few paces in front of him, and looked down at him with an expression of disdain. He looked strange in the smoke, his face morphing and reforming over and over, like it wasn’t really his, some kind of mask. But it held as he sneered down at Roman, as the voice he loved derided him.</p><p>“Pathetic,” he said, and Roman still, so still, like a child hiding under the covers. There was nothing he could do to get away from the gloved finger that dragged across his cheek, pressed roughly into his cut. “To think I once thought you <em> pretty </em>.”</p><p>“But I thought, I thought you - ” a sharp hit across his face, Roman could feel a fresh laceration open on his cheek, blood dripping down his face. </p><p>“I thought my men taught you not to talk back, or do you need the lesson again?” Ra’s threatened him as his face swirled into a blur, and then back to himself, eyes that he loved.</p><p>“Ra’s why, I - ”</p><p>“Silence,” Ra’s hit him again, and Roman let himself cry for the first time since he had woken up in this room. “You disgust me, you only ever did have one use, didn’t you, but do I even want that from you anymore, when you’re filthy and broken.” A hand around his throat squeezed, the hand was too small but he could see the arm that led him to Ra’s’ face, something was wrong but the drugs stopped him from seeing it clearly. He didn’t struggle as Ra’s choked him.</p><p>It was nearly always Ra’s after that, in the haze of the room, making fun of how Roman had believed him, hurting him; with his fists, with his words, with knives. Sometimes he threatened to force Roman, before telling him that he was too disgusting to even think about in that way anymore. There were heavy bruises around Roman’s throat, it hurt him whenever he swallowed. </p><p>But what was worse than that, was when Ra’s would be gentler with him, before striking him, before leaving him to the other people in the room to hurt as they saw fit. The soft touches branded him worse than the punches and cuts, and Ra’s only laughed when he tried to cower away from them. Worst of all, was when Ra’s called him pet; he had always thought it was affectionate, before. Now he knew he had been being mocked. </p><p>“What do you think?” Ra’s with his strange melting face asked the other men in the room, who jeered at him, who beat him when Ra’s was done. Ra’s had a tight grip on his chin, forcing his face up, enough to bruise. “Perhaps I could still use him. He’s not pretty anymore, but there is something to be said for the skills of a slut.” Roman had never known Ra’s to talk like that, couldn’t have imagined such a sentence leaving Ra’s’ mouth, each word like a lash.</p><p>“No,” Roman groaned, trying to pull away, finding some fight, his one relief had been the only way they had never hurt him. As he struggled, he noticed a camera mounted in the smoke, but his brain was too murky, couldn’t work out why it mattered. What tatters had remained of is clothes had been ripped off of him, leaving him feeling even more exposed and embarrassed than before.</p><p>“I wasn’t asking what you wanted,” Ra’s hissed, tugging at his hair cruelly, trying to shove Roman’s face into his crotch as he struggled. </p><p>“No, please Ra’s. I don’t feel good, I don’t want to. Please don’t, I don’t want it, please.”</p><p>“You always want it,” Ra’s growled, his voice used to rumble, it was higher now, Roman didn’t understand why, the thought broke off when Ra’s twisted one of his nipples violently, crying out in pain. </p><p>“You never used to hurt me, you never used to- what did I do wrong?”</p><p>“Oh pet, a little rat like you could never mean anything to me. A convenient hole. Be one again, and I’ll give you a treat, I’ll let you have a bath, would you like to be clean, sweet boy?” Ra’s asked, his face twisting strangely, Roman’s head thundered with a headache, bile threatening his throat and tears were tracking down his face, making rivers in the filth on his face. </p><p>“No, I don’t want you to,” Roman cried, shaking his head, trying to rip himself from Ra’s grasp, hoping that Ra’s felt enough, just enough, for him, to not do this.</p><p>Blind panic gripped Roman, more than Scarecrow’s drugs ever managed as Ra’s advanced on him, throat closing with terror as he thought for sure he knew what was about to happen, as the others in the room held him still, as the sound of a zipper rung out in his ears. But then there was a click and the camera turned off, and they all backed away from him, leaving him alone in the room, shivering, wondering if it was only a matter of time. </p><p>Ra’s kept visiting him, Roman’s stomach was a strange rainbow of purple, green and yellow, his face a mess of deep cuts designed to scar him, a smaller knicks, the bruises on his throat never faded, his arm felt useless from the amount of needles they had shoved into him. He could tell that nothing that was done to him was with an intent to kill. That almost made it worse, somehow, as Roman realised there would be no release from this, if they wouldn’t even give him that. He wondered what Ra’s wanted from him, why he was being kept alive at all, how he could have ever thought those hands gentle.</p><p>Sometimes, he couldn’t help but beg Ra’s, still craving a reason for what was happening to him, still wanting to know why Ra’s had decided to despite him; why his hands felt wrong, why his face seemed to not fit him, why the words sounded forigen coming out of his mouth. </p><p>He was allowed to stand, one day, wrists and ankles bound to each other, instead of unrelenting wood, Ra’s was enjoying watching him collapse to the floor with every hit he landed, hauled back to his feet by the other people in the room. </p><p>“No, no no,” Roman whimpered, curling in on himself, as far as his bindings would let him as Ra’s landed another blow to his stomach and he dropped. “I don’t understand, please stop hurting me, please stop.”</p><p>“What don’t you understand, pet?” Ra’s cooed, brushing a hand through his hair in a mockery of affection that Roman cringed away from. He didn’t speak much anymore, even with Ra’s, and he always taunted him when he did.</p><p>“You said you loved me, you told me over and over you said you loved me, I thought you loved me. You said - you said - ” Roman’s breath hitched, tumbling into heavy sobs, Ra’s’ words that haunted him the most spinning in his head. “I thought you meant it, you said - you said - ” </p><p>He expected to be laughed at, mocked for his delusions, but instead there was a thick silence, then those assembled in the room arguing, he could hear their words but they were hard to make sense of, his head swimming with substances it didn’t know how to process. Miscalculations, swearing, the door slamming, Roman didn’t know what any of it meant. </p><p>He heard an argument, a fight, then someone slammed into the room and plunged a sedative into his arm, and everything went dark. </p><p>He was woken again with another bucket of icy water, jerking awake as his mind tried to forge a way through the muck of drugs muddying his senses, his bicep throbbed; he must have been injected again before he woke. He was relieved when he didn’t see Ra’s, it hurt more, when the blows, the cuts and the words came from him; Roman wondered how long Ra’s had been laughing at him. </p><p>The man who woke him seemed angry, and only grew angrier when Roman endured his blows in silence eventually he grew furious and hit Roman hard enough for him to black out and hit the floor. He woke again as he was dragged up from the floor by the same man, a new dose of drugs shoved into his arm. He got out a knife, but Roman didn’t get to find out what his plan for it was, as the door crashed open and the man was hauled back, Roman slipping from his girl. </p><p>He looked up, because this was new, and he scrambled back scared with what he saw, until his skin was being scratched by the filthy, rough wall of the cell. Ra’s was back, and he was covered in dirt and blood, a look of absolute fury in his face as he held the other man by his hair, took the knife from his hand with practiced ease, and slit his throat. This Ra’s didn’t morph and flicker, his face didn’t distort, his hands were as large as they were in Roman’s memories; and he cowered away from him. He had never seen Ra’s this angry, angry enough to kill his own men, he feared what that would mean for him, what Ra’s might have in store for him. </p><p>“Roman,” Ra’s breathed, dropping the man and sweeping across the room, over to Roman, who flinched away when he touched him, tried to make himself smaller. He only grew suspicious, when Ra’s carefully took his hands away, held them open and unthreatening in a placating gesture. “My love, please, I need to get you out of here.”</p><p>“Please don’t hurt me,” Roman whispered, his voice sounding strange from lack of use, head buried in his arms, missing the stricken expression that drew over Ra’s’ face.</p><p>“I would never, Roman, I would <em> never </em>hurt you. I love you.”</p><p>“You did though, you hurt me, you came in every day,” Roman sniffed, tears starting as he remembered what had been done. “You told me you didn’t love me, you hit me.” </p><p>“Fuck,” Ra’s snarled and Roman flinched again at his anger, Ra’s quickly controlling himself, speaking in a calm tone. “That wasn’t me, pet, they were drugging you, making you see things that weren’t real. I love you, I would never hurt you.”</p><p>Roman remembered the other Ra’s calling him <em> pet </em>, it had sounded different, the two voices didn’t line up. But maybe this was just what he wanted to hear, something that he would be mocked for later, maybe he shouldn’t give into it. But he wanted to believe it, he wanted it to be true, even if it was only for a little while, even if it did turn out to br a trick, at least maybe he could have a few moments of gentleness. Could have the Ra’s he thought he knew back for a few moments. </p><p>“I want to go home,” Roman whimpered. </p><p>“I know my love. I’m going to take you home. Can I touch your arm? I want to get the bindings off your wrists?” Ra’s asked, Roman paused for a moment, but then nodded shakily. Ra’s cut away the bindings and revealed mangled wrists, the welts running deep from so long in them. “Good, you’re doing so good Roman. Do you think you can walk? Or would you like me to carry you?”</p><p>Roman thought about walking, about how weak he felt, barely able to stand when they made him, about the pain ringing out from his knee, where Ra’s had kicked the cap hard days ago, maybe even weeks. He thought about Ra’s’ arms around him, he used to be gentle, even if Roman knew better now. It was nice to pretend. </p><p>“I can’t walk,” Roman admitted, knowing how pathetic he must look; fearing Ra’s’ touch and wanting to be held. “My knee.” He felt fresh tears welling in his eyes; foolish really, they only ever made his headaches worse.</p><p>“Shh, it’s okay, it’s okay pet, I have you. I’m going to pick you up, please don’t panic. Can you hold on to my neck?” Ra’s asked, very slowly slipping one of his arms under Roman’s knees, the other around his back, apologising as Roman flinched, the contact to the bruises there aching.</p><p>He did as he was asked and held on as tightly as he could manage. He didn’t know if this Ra’s was really the old one, the one before this room, what the difference between them was anyway, but he was so relieved to be touched with gentle hands, for soft words to be said to him, that he surrendered to it, decided to worry about whether it was real later, when it inevitably ended. </p><p>Ra’s carried him out of the room and Roman whined, shuting his eyes and turning his face into Ra’s’ shoulder as the bright lights assaulted his eyes. He gulped in lungfuls of air, the oxygen felt thick, free of the smoke and haze of his cell. Ra’s murmured to him as he was carried out of the compound, Roman had no idea where they were, even when they emerged outside he recognised nothing, not in Gotham, was all he knew. </p><p>Ra’s carried him to a car, set him down in a seat and swaddled him in a soft blanket before strapping him in, always telling Roman what he was doing before he did it. Roman felt filthy, worried about dirtying up the blanket. It had been a long time, since he’d even had a bucket of icy water dumped over him, no wonder Ra’s, that other Ra’s or this Ra’s he wasn’t sure. Had been disgusted with him.  </p><p>He wasn’t sure how long the drive was, only that Ra’s drove as smoothly as he could, and eventually they reached the familiar sight of Roman’s home - Ra’s’ too? He wasn’t sure. He let Ra’s carry him inside, glad that the place was empty, he didn’t want to be seen like this. Not by anyone, not even Ra’s. Perhaps especially Ra’s, he still wasn’t sure if Ra’s was the one who had done it to him. This Ra’s said that it was someone else, but it could be a lie, and Roman’s brain was still too addled for him to be able to work it out. </p><p>Ra’s set him on the couch, the soft sinking cushions kinder to his bruised body, and he watched Ra’s move around the kitchen stiffly. When he sat down on the couch beside him with a needle and a vial, Roman backed up so fast he fell over the arm of the couch, tangled in the blanket, and crashed onto the floor, crying out as all his injuries screamed at him. Ra’s swore under his breath and Roman cringed, he could try to run, but even if he wasn’t so hurt, Ra’s would be able to catch him, it was easy to just shut his eyes and curl up, naked and cold on the floor, making it dirty. </p><p>“Roman I am so sorry, please pet, I’m not going to hurt you I promise. But they pumped you full of so many things, it will take your body weeks to work it out your system naturally and you will have to go through withdrawal. If you let me give you this you won’t have to go through any of that, it will neutralise it all in an hour, if not less,” Ra’s explained, he didn’t have the needle in his hand, he wasn’t touching Roman. </p><p>“If I let you?” Roman asked, hesitantly letting Ra’s help him into a sitting position. </p><p>“Yes pet, I won’t touch you if you do not allow it, I promise.”</p><p>“It’ll make my head feel better?” He asked, hesitant, it was so hard to trust this Ra’s, but the other one had never asked permission, maybe this one was different. He just wanted to feel better. </p><p>“Yes my love, I promise.”</p><p>“Okay,” Roman decided, he wanted to be able to think properly again, and if this Ra’s wanted to hurt him, then he would do it anyway.</p><p>“Thank you, pet,” Ra’s said, and he let Ra’s help him back up onto the couch, pulling the blanket around him to try and cover himself, feeling chilled to the bone; it hadn't been warm in that room. </p><p>Ra’s’ careful hands paused when Roman presented his arm, mottled with bruises and uncareful needle marks, the muscle feeling strange with how much had been pushed into it. Ra’s used a damp cotton ball to clean the area, then another, then another, as they became covered in grime and filth over and over before he found clean skin. </p><p>“This might hurt a little,” Ra’s warned, stroking his thumb over that small clean space, before injecting Roman with the needle, he was too used to the sensation by now to flinch. The serum felt thicker going into him than the ones before it had and immediately Roman felt worse, sick to his stomach, dizzy and unable to think at all. He whined pitifully, trying to curl up. </p><p>“Feels worse,” he whimpered, not resisting as Ra’s guided him into his space, encouraged Roman to cuddle into his chest, a memory forcing its way through the haze, through all the images of Ra’s hurting him, until he remembered doing this before, on lazy weekend mornings.</p><p>“I’m sorry, you will feel better soon, I promise.”</p><p>To Roman’s surprise, Ra’s wasn’t lying, and after an hour - he watched a clock, time feeling more real and tangible to him again as he did - he did feel better, his thoughts more clear, understanding better what had happened to him, and what hadn’t. </p><p>“I feel disgusting,” Roman whispered, hating how pathetic his voice was, even to his own ear, Ra’s’ hand didn’t stop stroking his back over the blanket. “You must be disgusted by me.”</p><p>“No Roman, I could never be. I love you, remember?”</p><p>“I - I think,” Roman muttered, because he did remember, but he also remembered sneers and heavy blows, and found he couldn't make the words, more things to taunt him with when this reprieve was over, even though a part of him understood that he had escaped, another, more primal part, didn’t. “I want to be clean. I hate looking like this, feeling like this.”</p><p>“I don’t think you could stand safely in the shower. And you’re so tired, my love, I worry you’d fall asleep in the bath.”</p><p>“Please Ra’s. I feel so disgusting, my skin itches and aches and <em> hurts </em>. I just want to feel clean.”</p><p>“I don’t know if it would be safe to leave you there on your own, pet.”</p><p>“Come with me then, please, I just want to be clean,” Roman begged fighting back the tears that pricked at his eyes. </p><p>“Alright, pet, of course, I can bathe you,” Ra’s said, offering Roman the space he would need to try and walk, complying non-verbally when Roman held his arms out to be carried again. </p><p>“If you hold on to me, do you think you could stand in the shower for a few minutes?” Ra’s asked, Roman understood, he was so caked in grime that any bath would be filthy before he was able to get close to clean. Roman nodded and let himself be guided into the shower, blanket folded and placed in the wash bin. With big hands so gentle, so at odds with everything that Roman remembered from that cell, Ra’s wiped the worst of the dirt away as the hot water of the shower soothed Roman’s skin a little, the water running down the drain a horrible greyish brown. </p><p>Ra’s set Roman on the lid of the toilet as he ran a warm bath, even dropping one of Roman’s old bath bombs into the water, they always made him smile, and even now, he tried. The Ra’s from the cell would never have done such a thing, he was sure of it. Ra’s’ clothes were soaked, but he didn’t seem to care.</p><p>When he was settled in the water, with Ra’s sat on a low stool by the edge, Ra’s spoke again </p><p>“How is your head?”</p><p>“Clearer. ‘S nice.”</p><p>“Do you understand what happened to you?”</p><p>“Some.”</p><p>“You were kidnapped.”</p><p>“They said they were the league, that they were your men, on your orders.”</p><p>“They were the league, but I left their ranks when they asked me to choose between you and them. I chose you, pet. I’ll always choose you. They wanted to try and use you to control me.”</p><p>“The other Ra’s, he called me that. Pet. When he was hurting me,” Roman said, looking at the water in the tub, the bath bomb Ra’s had indulged him with making the water swirl like a nebula. Beside him, Ra’s’ hand stilled, the pouf resting against Roman’s skin without moving for a second, before it resumed to its gentle ministrations..</p><p>“Would you like me to stop calling you that?” Ra’s asked. </p><p>“No, I don’t think so. I don’t want them to have taken anything else away from me.”</p><p>“Do you understand that that wasn’t me? I know that this will be hard for you, that your recovery is going to take time, but I need to know if you know that?” Ra’s asked, voice so filled with guilt is sounded entirely new. </p><p>“Yes,” Roman replied, he went to bit at his lip, only to be reminded of the deep cut running through it. “But it’s still hard.”</p><p>“I know, it hasn’t been very long at all. I am sorry, I shouldn’t pressure you.”</p><p>“I’ll get better quickly, I promise,” Roman said, reaching out suddenly and clinging to the hand Ra’s had dangling over the bath, fingers skating on the surface of the water. Ra’s looked up, startled. “I promise.”</p><p>“No Roman, you will take exactly as long as you need, I will wait. Do you understand me? I will still be here, no matter how long it takes you to get better. You will not rush yourself for me. I love you, and I will never hurt you, and I will wait forever, if that is how long you need. Do you understand?” Ra’s asked, his voice gentle but firm, a voice that Roman had let take him down until he was in a soft, floaty place many times in the past. He nodded, Ra’s’ gave him a sad smile. “Do you believe me?” He asked, Roman shook his head, ashamed, knowing he was letting Ra’s down. Slowly, so that Roman could move out the way if he wanted to, he placed a kiss to Roman’s forehead. </p><p>Roman slept for most of the day after that, tucked up in his bed, unsurprised by the fact that Ra’s didn’t want to join him, he knew that he wasn’t what he had once been, that what had originally drawn Ra’s to him was ruined. He appreciated him by his bedside at least, even if his body craved a kind touch, wanted Ra’s to hold him again. </p><p>When he finally woke up, Ra’s looked like he hadn’t moved, and helped Roman wash again, though his hands were stiff, like he couldn’t bear touching him anymore; Roman didn’t blame him, though it made him hurt and angry, difficult in Ra’s hands, even under his gentle touch. </p><p>Together they surveyed the damage, the sight of himself in the mirror turning his stomach, and anguished look on Ra’s’ face as he looked him over. Everything was discoloured, his knee was swollen strangely, his wrists were a mess that he had no doubt scar - and not a scar that his usual gloves would cover. His ribs were broken over and over until Ra’s - Ra’s al Ghul - was muttering about needing a doctor. The bruises around his neck were stark in their darkness, and Ra’s snatched his fingers away from them, even though he must have seen them by now. </p><p>Then there was Roman’s face. He had loved his face, it had been beautiful. Now there were two jagged scars across it, that no amount of careful stitching would heal without a scar, the earliest one already branded irreparably into his skin. Then there were the smaller cuts and scratches, the ones that would face completely over time, but for now marred him further. Ugly, he knew. He knew it before Ra’s refused to touch his face, his fists curling before he made contact, disgusted. Roman cried and still Ra’s was hesitant to touch him, so he screamed instead and smashed the mirror, cutting up his hands. He let Ra’s put him back to bed, felt calmer when he sat above the covers next to him, and didn’t push Roman away when he curled towards the heat of his body. </p><p>Roman had a nightmare, was confused when he woke, hit Ra’s and hurt himself struggling to get away, he thought he was Ra’s cry, but decided it didn’t make sense, and locked himself in the bathroom.</p><p>He saw a doctor, or rather, Ra’s had a discreet doctor come to him. The stranger’s hands on him worse than anything else that happened, even when wounds were cleaned and broken bones were checked. Ra’s at least let him cling to his hand, Roman felt like a mangy dog, offered only Ra’s’ hand where once he would have been welcome in his arms. </p><p>Roman often felt out of control, crawling out of his skin, and would lash out at Ra’s, a destroyed expression on Ra’s face, riddled with guilt that made no sense, instead of anger at the way Roman tried to hit him, push him, scream at him for things that he well knew Ra’s hadn’t done. He realised, when Ra’s was letting him beat his fists against his broad chest in a broken fury, that Ra’s loved him, that that was true, but also that he felt guilty. That even now, like this with Roman lashing out, he couldn’t bear to touch him, couldn’t bear to hold him and soothe him. There had been a time, when no matter how insignificant Roman’s downturned mood, Ra’s would sense it, would take Roman out of his head and down to his knees where he could <em> rest </em> . But Ra’s would touch him anymore, was repulsed by him. Ra’s loved him, but was too repulsed to <em> love </em> him anymore.</p><p>It all came to a head a few weeks later. Roman had thrown a tantrum, set off by something Ra’s did, a tone he used on the phone - not even speaking to Roman - but making him feel scared, he smashed every mirror and half the windows in the house, bloodying his hands. Ra’s could have stopped him, but Ra’s wouldn’t <em> touch </em> him, because Roman was repulsive now, he understood it, even if he hated it. </p><p>“Stop me!” Roman screamed as he shot his shredded fist through another pane of glass, shaking with a need to hurt, knowing he had to stop, unable to control himself. It snapped Ra’s into action, from where he had just been following him around his trail of destruction, asking him, begging him, to stop, but <em> not touching him </em>. Instead he finally reached out, firm hands coming around Roman’s arms, better healed than the rest of him. </p><p>Roman fought him as Ra’s dragged him into his chest, into as tight a hold as he dared with Roman’s ribs still healing. Ra’s held him still, and slowly Roman calmed, losing all his fight, draining out of him like all that bloody, dirty water had down the drain.  </p><p>“I wish you would touch me. I wish you weren’t so disgusted by me that you can’t even touch me anymore unless I beg you,” Roman cried into Ra’s’ chest, his steady heartbeat soothing. </p><p>“What? Roman no, I am not disgusted by you, how could you think that.”</p><p>“You won’t touch me. I just want you to hold me. I know that it can’t be like it was, that you don’t find me attractive anymore, but please, please at least hold me,” Roman sobbed, hating how vulnerable he was, unable to be anything else. He flinched when Ra’s stepped back, still holding Roman’s shoulders but looking at his face, waiting patiently until Roman found the fortitude to meet his eye.</p><p>“The only thing that disgusts me, is the people who took you. I hate them, and one day, you will come with me to hunt down the ones who escaped. I have been hesitant to touch you because I didn’t know you wanted me to. Roman, they forced you to see me on the face of a man who abused you, I dare not touch you unless you tell me it’s okay. You are beautiful, you will always be beautiful, and I will happily touch you any way you want me to, but what that man did to you, the ways he abused you, I think about him touching you and - ”</p><p>“He didn’t,” Roman interrupted, understanding what Ra’s thought. “They never hurt me in that way. Only threatened.”</p><p>“I received a video, Roman, you do not have to protect me.”</p><p>“I’m not. I remember the camera, they ripped off my clothes and made it look like they were going to force me, but then they shut down the camera and they didn’t.”</p><p>“Roman…I know you were seeing me,” Ra’s said, clearly struggling to believe him. </p><p>“I understand that it wasn’t you,” Roman insisted, but his voice was without power. “I know that I lash out, that sometimes when I’m asleep I forget. But I know it wasn’t you. And if I lash out while I’m awake, it’s only because I trust that you won’t leave me. Pleass, just believe me, I don’t want to have to fight you, I’m too tired. I wish you would just say, if you're too disgusted to want me anymore, I’d understand, I just want to know. I just want you to hold me.”</p><p>“Oh Roman, I will touch you, I want to touch you. I was just scared of hurting you, that it might not be what you want anymore. I will always want you. How it used to be between us though, I don’t expect you to surrender to me like that anymore, it’s okay.”</p><p>“But I want to,” Roman protested, growing irritated, glad when Ra’s held him a little tighter again, or else he would have pulled at his hair. “I want it to be like it was. I want you to take control of me, I want to not have to think, to know that you have me, and all I have to think about is doing what you ask. I just want you to take care of me, like you used to. You’ve...you’ve barely kissed me.”</p><p>“Oh pet, I’m so sorry. I’ve been neglecting you, I should have spoken with you, instead of making assumptions. I know better, I know you need to be taken out of your head sometimes. I’m sorry,” Ra’s said, his voice shifting the way it always did when he dominated Roman, and Roman felt a wave of sheer relief crash over him, even more so when Ra’s ducked in and claimed his lips in a deep, loving kiss, a kiss that said; hello pet, I’ve missed you so much. “Do you need it now, pet?” Ra’s asked, and Roman nodded frantically against him. </p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“Alright, well, we’re going to get that hand cleaned up first, okay?” Ra’s asked, guiding Roman to the bathroom, cleaning his wounds and bandaging his hand, and Roman didn’t have to think, just let himself be led. “Now, you’re still hurt, so we’re going to be gentle, alright. Be honest with me, when do your ribs hurt least?”</p><p>“When I’m sitting,” Roman mumbled, his voice sleepy, exhausted with relief as Ra’s’ hands didn’t hesitate to touch him, ran all over him as he led him to the armchair. </p><p>“Okay pet, would you like to take off your clothes?” He said, sitting down and drawing Roman into his lap after he nodded and stripped. Ra’s encouraged him to get comfortable, rumbling out a comforting laugh - one Roman hadn’t heard in too long - when Roman sagged against him, knees either side of Ra’s’ hips, sitting in his lap, and lying over his chest, tucking his head over Ra’s’ shoulder. “Is that comfy?”</p><p>“Mm-hmm,” Roman hummed, sinking into the way Ra’s was stroking his back. Relieved, when he could feel Ra’s getting hard as well, a lingering worry that Ra’s might have just been humouring him banished. </p><p>“Good. Would you like me to finger your little hole, pet?” Ra’s asked, petting at Roman’s lower back, he needed against Ra’s’ neck. </p><p>“Yes, please. Want it,” Roman managed, shocked at how quickly he was sinking into that place.</p><p>“Good boy, I’m sorry for making you go so long without, I know how you need it,” Ra’s cooed, reaching into the desk beside the chair and slicking his right hand fingers with the lube they kept there. </p><p>Roman sighed as Ra’s pushed a thick finger inside him in one clean press. It was better than he remembered, he was tighter than he had been since before they met. He had missed this, missed this more than he likely should have, curling into Ra’s’ warmth as he fucking him steadily, lovingly, on that one finger. </p><p>“Do you want another?” Ra’s asked, voice quiet, as Roman lazily hitched his hips back to meet him. Roman nodded, not feeling like speaking, whining happily when Ra’s pressed a second digit inside him, his long thick fingers opening Roman up, as his free hand continued to pet Roman’s back. </p><p>When Ra’s stroked over his prostate, Roman moaned, pressing closer to Ra’s, as if he were trying to inhabit the same skin. Rutting back without much thought onto Ra’s’ hand, loving the slight burn of the stretch. When a third finger when in, he started mouthing lazily at Ra’s’ neck, and could hear himself letting out content little noises. </p><p>“Would you like to stay like this for a little while?” Ra’s asked, able to read him as well as he always had been, Roman hummed from where he was tucked into Ra’s, feeling like he could stay like this forever. “Use your words, pet.”</p><p>“Yeah,” Roman managed, preening when Ra’s praised him for it. His cock was hard and rubbing against Ra’s’ clothes, leaving a sticky shine to it, but Ra’s didn’t tell him off, only rocked him gently on his fingers. He shocked himself, by not being desperate to come, it had been so long that he thought he would be frantic, but Ra’s had effortlessly taken him somewhere else, exactly where he needed to be, murmuring to Roman with an endless stream praise and loving words and Roman practically drifted in an our of consciousness. </p><p>He stayed there, in Ra’s’ arms for almost an hour, before the way Ra’s had been brushing against his sweet spot every now and then finally got to him, lit him up from a warm ember glow to a needy fire. </p><p>“Wanna come,” Roman sighed, finding his voice as Ra’s’ fingers pressed more meaningfully against his prostate. </p><p>“Whatever you want, pet,” Ra’s agreed easily, and Roman snaked a hand between them, clumsily opening Ra’s’ pants until he could get a sloppy hand around his cock.</p><p>“You too,” Roman muttered, trying to concentrate on what his hand was doing, but finding it hard as Ra’s finger fucked him with more purpose. </p><p>“Good boy, good boy stoke my cock while I take care of your greedy little hole,” Ra’s praised, his cock jerking in Roman’s hand as he gripped him a little tighter, fucked him a little faster. </p><p>“Yeah,” Roman agreed, a little mindlessly, voice turning to little <em> ahs </em>. </p><p>“Do you want me to fuck you later, pet? It’s been so long since I had my cock in your hole or your perfect mouth and I’ve missed it, I’ve missed it so much. Would you like that, do you want me to do that to you later?”</p><p>“Y-yeah,” Roman sighed, breath hitching along with Ra’s’ words. “Want both, want to suck you and have you back inside me.”</p><p>“Sweet boy,” Ra’s cooed, his fingers working Roman wide, knowing how he loved the stretch, the head of his cock wet in a way Roman remembered only happened occasionally, when Roman had found a way to burrow under his infuriating control. Ra’s coaxed him into kisses, barely letting Roman up for air, drowning him in desire and love and longing.</p><p>Roman came first, a point of pride for Ra’s, was that he almost always made Roman come first, even though he was capable of coming so many more times that Roman was. His body seized with a whimper, his ribs hurting but drowned out by pleasure that made his eyes roll, as he ruined Ra’s’ smart shirt with his come, only getting more messy when Ra’s’ fat cock jerked between them, his seed hitting his own shirt, and Roman’s bare chest. Collapsed absently against Ra’s again, Roman ran his fingers through the mess, playing with his nipples with Ra’s’ come, making the older man groan and call him an imp, cause a fast second round, where Ra’s placed him in the arm chair, and sucked on his cock until he was coming down his throat. </p><p>He carried Roman to the bedroom, as he often had before and gently laid him on the bed. Roman longed to be thrown down on it, made to bounce like he used to, but knew even though his floating mind, that that would hurt his ribs right now. Ra’s went slow with him, laid together on the bed and cuddled him close, letting Roman play with Ra’s’ fat cock however he saw fit as he waited for Roman to get hard again, and Roman was glad, knowing the oversensitivity right now would only make him cry. </p><p>After long minutes of being allowed to play with his hands, Ra’s moved so that Roman could comfortably suckle on the head of his cock, fat and beading with precome again, Roman pillowing his head on Ra’s’ thigh and shutting his eyes. He felt Ra’s’ hand combing through his hair as a suckled on his cock, not urging him on, just letting him have his fill of comfort; Ra’s’ control was good, he had always been good to Roman like this, perfect at this part of their game. </p><p>For a little while, Ra’s thought he might fall asleep there, so content. Ra’s would let him do it, had let him do it before, when Ra’s had fallen asleep from suckling on his cock, and woken later in the same position, Ra’s still combing his hair and reading his book, smiling at him when Roman had taken him a little deeper, sucked him with more intent. </p><p>He did that now, taking more of Ra’s’ cock and being to suck more properly. Ra’s would let him sleep like this later, if he wanted to, he wouldn’t even have to ask, just make his intentions clear with his body, and Ra’s would ease his cock into Roman’s mouth. For now he worked his mouth over Ra’s, he worried, for a moment, when he didn’t want to take Ra’s into his throat, the memory of being choked too fresh in his mind, but Ra’s only praised him, stroked his face, told him how good he was. </p><p>Before Ra’s came in his mouth, Roman wiggled away, lying down and letting his legs spread, tugging Ra’s between his legs as much as he could with his ribs, but Ra’s went easily, his thumb dropping to Roman’s hole. </p><p>“You want me to fuck you, pet?” Ra’s asked, and Roman nodded his head, biting his thankfully healed lip. “Such a good boy, but you’re going to promise me that you’ll tell me if your ribs hurt too much. You won’t get away with being naughty just because you’re poorly.”</p><p>“Okay,” Roman agreed easily, feeling only mild discomfort as Ra’s positioned him, pressed four of his fingers inside Roman’s already slick hole, and worked him over for long minutes until he was satisfied Roman was stretched enough to not have to strain too much to take his cock.  </p><p>The breach of Ra’s fat cock both stole his breath, and was like coming up for again, whining and wrapping his arms around Ra’s’ neck, drawing him in for a long, lingering kiss as Ra’s slowly seated himself inside him. This wasn’t the only time it had been gentle between them, Ra’s could read him like a book, and he always knew without needing to be told, when Roman needed it hard and fast, when he needed it firm, and when he needed a soft hand, a gentle touch.</p><p>Ra’s kissed his lips, but then his face, his cheeks, the new scars there, and called him beautiful, said it over and over with such force and conviction, with such passion and love, each declaration stamped with a trust of his hips, proof of his desire, that Roman found he had no choice but to believe him, coming with a cry between them, crying cathartic tears as Ra’s praised him, rocking into his hole until he filled him up and laid his claim back on Roman’s body.</p><p>Roman moaned a little as Ra’s carefully pulled out of his hole, and curled into Ra’s chest, feeling warm as Ra’s didn’t hesitate before holding him close, running his hands over Roman’s skin, still discoloured in places.  </p><p>After dozing for a while, Ra’s wanted to go and fix them some dinner, but Roman was reluctant to let him go, clinging on to Roman in a way that was both a joke, and entirely serious, until Ra’s simply scooped him up in his arms, letting Roman wrap around him like a koala, with a steady hand under his ass, and carried him around with him. </p><p>He wasn’t fixed, he still struggled, he still woke up in the night screaming sometimes, Ra’s’ face only scaring him more. But it was better, made his recovery smoother, made him feel safe as he crawled shaken and ashamed back into those arms, the negative feelings washing away with Ra’s’ words. </p><p>It took just as long to start cleaning away Ra’s’ guilt; over things he had never even done, but for a little while Roman had thought he had; over the league coming for him in the first place; over taking so long to find him. Roman scrubbed at it, wanted to take those thoughts from Ra’s, but knew that they would never leave, that Ra’s would always need to hear it, just as Roman would always need Ra’s to tell him he was beautiful, sometimes. </p><p>Later, when Roman’s physical wounds were healed, and the psychological ones began to fade to scars, Roman was met with an unexpected sight, as he came down the stairs.</p><p>“What’s this?” Roman asked, looking at the suitcases by the door, his and Ra’s’.</p><p>“We are going on a trip.”</p><p>“Oh, where?”</p><p>“To hunt down the people who took you, pet, I believe I promised you that,” Ra’s offered, handing over Roman’s mask and speaking casually. </p><p>Roman grinned, and took his hand.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I had to work VERY hard not to have Roman call Ra's daddy at the end there, so you let me know if you'd rather I'd been weak and allowed it :')</p></blockquote></div></div>
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